Having really enjoyed Manchester’s winter beer festival at the weekend, I’ve spent the afternoon looking over the web to update my calendar of festivals this year. They’re not something I want to do every week and I already have Pendle lined up for the weekend after next, but when I spotted Bristol on the list I felt tempted straight away. I have a mate down there and having been last year, loved the place. Perfect, I thought – a nice weekend jaunt with a few mates in mid-March.

But, hmmm, hang on. Where’s the “times and prices” page so familiar to every other festival website? It’s just a one page affair, a block of black and white. And the system for getting tickets… well, maybe I’ve had a long day in front of the computer, but it took me a good few reads to get my head round what they’re doing. I’m still not quite sure if I’m eligible, or if they even want me to come. There are lots of bold bits about places and times which are pretty meaningless to me. Given that you can only buy them in person I presume this is strictly a local festival for local people – no outsiders, please.

This deeply saddens me as on the evidence of previous years, Bristol beer fest is a honeypot for MILFs.

Women do not do anything more attractive than smile with a pint. Fact.	Thanks to science, we now know females can safely drink ale.
Mmmm... strict but friendly English teacher making you stay behind...	When God invented "phwoar", he was philandering with this woman.

Once again it’s a kick in the teeth for the grim old north. I feel like Kes in a version of Kes where he gets invited down to London to be best mates with a lion-zebra hybrid but when he gets to the zoo it’s had a really awful fire and he can just smell charred raccoon meat, an acrid stench which never quite leaves him for the rest of his life. That’s like me and my MILFs, that. Well stuff you, Bristol, with your elaborate ticketing system and gaudy display of your MILF’s wares. There’s nowt so bad about a bit of black pudding and a nice warm Northern lass.

Rest in peace, Blanche, you quick-witted Northern bastard.

Beer festival · Beers · Bristol · MILF

The pump clip for Turkey's Delight by Smiles Brewery

There’s nothing like a spot of bestiality to warm the winter cockles and put a weary drinker in the mood for Christmas.

Now, you may have thought that the comic potential of shoving your hand up a turkey’s arse had been exhausted by the time the Carry On team were busily crafting an entire genre around flying items of clothing, but Smiles Brewery don’t want to give up the ghost just yet.

Witness, friends, the sheer enthusiasm of both the fister and the fistee on this ale’s clip. Is stuffing a turkey such a fun pastime? Is stuffing a live turkey even better? Do turkeys really grin in anticipation of the fun ahead?

If you’re anything like me, the peculiarities of this clip won’t have even registered while you were ordering, which does prompt me to wonder what it takes for a clip to stand out if a spot of jolly animal fisting doesn’t do the trick. Even the terrible pun in the name passed me by at first, and as Paul Bailey said last month is really scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Another of these curiosities is that Smiles as a brewery no longer really exists. Being a new name to me, I did a little poking around and found that originally hailing from Bristol, it ceased to be in the middle part of this decade. According to ascorbic on everything2.com, who claims to have been involved with those high up in the brewery:

“Over New Year 2004/2005, Smiles Brewery went into liquidation. The pubs were transferred to a new company (Smiles Pubs Ltd.) and the brewery was closed. The rights to brew Smiles beers were sold to the Highgate Brewery. The results have not been good, with the beers showing little resemblance to the Smiles beers of old.”

If the beer list on that page is anything to go by, I would have guessed that today’s Turkey’s Delight may well be a rebadged Golden or Glorious 12th, both of which share the same 3.8% ABV. But it seems to have been a seasonal beer since at least 2006, which would tie in with brewing moving to Highgate a year earlier. Perhaps those who remember Smiles’ beers in Bristol before it closed down may be able to illuminate this question.

Despite only forming in 1978, Smiles became quite a big player in the Bristol brewing scene and according to this excellent history on Flickr, by the early 90s it was brewing 8,000 barrels a year with a staff of 115. Of its early outlets, it seems only The Ship in Lower Park Row is a survivor, this including its most popular venture, The Brewery Tap, shown below courtesy of Quaffale.

The Brewery Tap - Smiles Brewery, Bristol

Sadly not long after this, Smiles began to suffer in the face of competition from other real ale brewers in the area. By 2004, Smiles in Bristol existed in name only and is now brewed over 100 miles away in Walsall. Its future still cannot be said to be certain as Highgate Brewery itself recently went into administration, possibly threatening its contract brews. The Brewery Tap itself was, it seems, virtually destroyed by a “renovation” in 2006 – a sad and familiar sight to many drinkers, as seen below in a photo from Bristol Pubs.

Colston Yard - formerly of Smiles Brewery, Bristol

Richard Brookes, the local CAMRA chairman at the time, sums up the frustration in a way we’ll all understand:

“The pub’s absolutely gutted, the bar is smashed, there’s rubble on the floor,” he told the Post. “You are not talking about a minor renovation here.”

The concensus, which I must touch with a bargepole since I suspect a heavy case of “beer nostalgia” may be at play here, is that the beer is no longer what it used to be. Whether that’s the case or not, I’m sure it’s something different at the very least. Turkey’s Delight has an odd citrus smell, bordering on the manufactured aroma of a bottled juice drink like Kia-Ora or a Netto-brand washing-up liquid. The initial taste is nothing like that though, indeed I had a flashback to my grandma trying to force-feed a caramel chocolate bar down my throat during some Christmas long gone by. The lingering impression is of a very normal beer with a curious smell, and I suspect Wetherspoons have chosen it as one of their Christmas beers precisely because it leans towards the mainstream rather than the darker winter ales you might expect.

It is funny how a half of bitter in the Postal Order in Blackburn can lead you on a walk into the past of a forgotten Bristol brewery.

Beers · Bristol · Highgate Brewery · Postal Order · real ale · Smiles brewery · Turkey's Delight · Walsall