I'm beginning to think all baths were designed for midgets.

This challenge started out as a pure accident; and one I have taken a hearty liking towards. Following on From Terrance’s Sticky disaster in the bath. I decided to see if it was all beers/ciders which were going to cause issues or it was the bath in general.

Item 1: The bath is one of those weird corner baths; which as I found to my cost doesn’t allow you to fit in it whichever way you are positioned. In the end I decided on an convention lieing down position with my feet hanging over one side.

One advantage to this bath was the addition of rather large shelf next to my drinking hand so there was never any issues of bath water contamination or beery shampoo to contend with.

Drink #1: Can of Woodpecker Cider

As mentioned above this was a pure chance challenge; I decided on a whim to have the first bath in my house since I moved in; (I currently only took showers). The bath had been cleaned recently so I decided to start filling it up. However since it needs about 20min to actually fill up with sufficient water to cover my gentleman’s area I got a bit bored and opened a can of cider and wandered off to check my E-Mail.

Halfway into my second can I was caught out, and had to quickly adjust the water level to one which was slightly lower than testing an Archimedes principle. In short: I was left with half a can and a hot bath. Not wanting to waste either I lowered myself in can in hand and began to relax.

Now one disadvantage of a hot bath is you sweat a lot; you literally sit in there and “stew” great at getting you clean but can be very uncomfortable after a few min; enter the can of cheap dry cider. Wow, what a revelation! It may not have come directly out of the fridge but the can was cool and allowed me to regulate my temperature much easier and the dry taste contrasted beautifully with the hot steam.

It was savouring this that I remember reading about Terrance’s experience with Jacques in the bath and I would have to reaffirm that a “sticky” or sweet drink in such a situation would be intolerable; but a dry cold cider suddenly added to the experience of bathing rather than taking it away.

Drink #2 : Newcastle Brown Ale (Bottle)

I don't think this picture does justice to how fizzy this drink was.

Now since this is a serious experiment I could not just have one drink and be done with it so the next time I had a bath I made sure one of my favourite tipple was on hand. The taste was a perfect contrast once again so I did not imagine the first time; however; the bottle caused issues.

The narrow spout and heavy glass tended to “overfizz” the nukie at the best of times, lieing in a bath however the angle was much shallower so I managed to fizz some beer out of my nose a fair few times! This was obviously “not on”; and whilst the beer calmed down once it dipped below halfway the need to be extra careful initially put a real downer on the experience.

I would have to give points to it making you gassy. In a bathroom which echos you can get some quite spectacular belches going on; although from a pure comfort factor this obviously is not ideal.

Drink #3 : Crumton Oaks (Cider) in a pint glass

Keeping with the dry cider angle I decided to check if a simple pint glass could overcome the issues with the fizziness which can occur using bottles. Pouring the drink into a pint glass is normally the best way to drink Nukies in pubs or at home; whilst I didn’t have any to hand at the time drinking cider out of a pint glass I could at least test the principle.

Initially all was well… I had a firm grip and I could lie back savouring the heat and reach out take a drink and hardly need to open my eyes. Alas it was not perfect as I was finding to my cost. You see a bath has some degree of soap in.. and soap and glass make for a slippery surface. The pint glass was increasingly hard to hang onto -  the simple can I could crush slightly to get a better grip. The glass however was not as easy to hang onto.  To my credit there was not a single drop of spillage although it came close a few times. Once again like the Nukie I had to sit up and drink carefully… in effect ruining the experience of the bath in the first place.

And so the humble can wins out; its stackable, doesn’t take up much space and doesn’t suffer from the “soap” issue. I personally prefer a dry cider choice but bitters and ales will work just as well.

The day: 17
The drink (s): Newcastle Brown Ale, Woodpecker, Cromton Oaks Cider
The place: The Bath
Positives: The cool dryness of cider complements the bath perfectly
Negatives: Any sort of glass wear with soap can lead to bath disasters.
Conclusion: Even though the choice of a can narrows your choices; it is an experience everyone of us should enjoy at least once in our lives.

Sidenote: Having come up with the title now I have a sudden urge to get a can of Directors Bitter for my next bath….

ale · Bath · Beer festival · Crumpton Oaks · dry cider · fizz · Newcastle Brown Ale · none sticky · Woodpecker

The current motto for Hobgoblin is “What’s the matter Lagerboy, afraid you might taste something?”; which roughly translates to “Come and ‘ave a go; if ya think yur ‘ard enuff!”. Fighting talk for a fighting beer; the campaign featuring this slogan was labled as “offensive and agressive”; but then the only people who should be defensive about beer are alcoholics and Guardian readers.

This of course brings me on neatly to the location. Nowhere better to consume this fighting beer than Norath on my alter ego so I headed off to my bar to check out the supply of this heady brew.

Good news; the barmaid had it in! So whilst I waited for the wench to dig out this beverage I reviewed the necessary equipment for fighting dragons.

• 1 mythically enchanted sword, sharp enough to shave with? CHECK!
• 1 set of plate armour able to withstand the hottest dragon fire ? CHECK!
• 1 specially hardened shield; capable of deflecting a dragons feeble attempts to disembowel me? CHECK!
• 1 solidly built helmet with cool wings on? CHECK!
• 1 stein with spill-proof anti-damage dragon killing beer? CHECK!

Obviously I had to test this beer under the harshest of conditions and that meant fighting a dragon. Thankfully I knew of one and buoyed on by the fighting talk on the side of bottle I was easily able to attract the attention of one Waansu; somewhat cranky after just recently been freed from Perah’Celsis’ Laboratory where he was used as a experimental guinea pig.

Don’t worry; he was evil. The fact his horde was full of gold coins and contained many magical items never came into the discussion when my guild choose this target to protect the weak and defenceless of Norath.

Cracking open the bottle to empty into my spill proof stein wasn’t as easy as you might think. Perhaps I should have prepared this beer before attacking the dragon but the dragon’s claws offered a surprisingly efficient alternative to the humble bottle opener.

The first swig held nothing back however at assaulted the taste buds with a rage that told you. It was here and it was going to stay; similar in fact to when I took down one of the wings of Waansu making him unable to fly away. We were both in it for the long haul and no-one would be leaving until a dragon was dead and my beer was finished!

After a while it was easy to settle into the rhythm hack slash duck and swig. Each subsequent swig not as brutal as the first but the flavours were still as strong as my sword arm. This is certainly not a drink for the weak.

There is a certain sense of needing to take a moment every time you take a swig, this beer cannot be ignored and even if you attempt to slake that thirst in the midst of battle it wil drive back home how much flavour it has bring you sharply away from the important matter of dragon killing to the beer itself.

Of course as with everything it must end and as the mighty dragon finally succumbed, I drained my stein in victory before setting about with avengence at its horde.As my guild were recuperating at the bar I returned the empty bottle to the barmaid and proceeded to give my verdict.

The day: 3.
The beer: Hobgobblin Ale, 500ml, about 4.8% ABV.
The place: Norath, Perah’Celsis’ Abominable Laboratory
Positives: Certainly a fighting beer and doesn’t hold back on the flavours; easy to open top even in the midst of battle.
Negatives: Certainly not a quaffing ale for celebration the almost over powering flavours need to be savoured . Does not go well with snacks and there is difficulty in drinking it with a helmet on.
Conclusion: It claims its a fighting beer but in the heat of battle a more refreshing ale is required. Ironically the fighting beer… is best enjoyed in a warm inn room at the fire. A very good beer but a beer which takes all of you to enjoy it.

ale · beer · dragon · eq2 · fighting · norath