[581] Companionship is a welcome distraction February 25th, 2008 – 9:50pm Posted in Thoughts No comments

I had a bit of a Kim moment in the shower then (the removal of two short words would give that an entirely different meaning) and realised what a big part of what I like about being with someone is – that it makes me think out, not in. I’m an introspective person (as if you couldn’t tell from all this bobbins which I try to filter into observations remotely of general interest) by nature, so I can’t help thinking inwardly. Being with someone snaps me out of that by and large. It sounds absurd, but I actually appreciate having a shopping list to think about or a phone call to make to arrange an appointment for someone else. When that person, and so those things, are taken away, what am I left with but the same old me? I think it’s a question of stimulus, as I get very …read more.

[580] Stick some metal on February 25th, 2008 – 9:14pm Posted in Thoughts No comments

At times we lead ourselves down paths like donkeys chasing a carrot, an analogy which is fitting for me at the moment in more than one way, I’ve just realised. The donkey chases the carrot down any path, even when it doesn’t know where it leads. The donkey never gets the carrot, either. All it does is keep on going, chasing that carrot.

At times like these, it’s easy to see that you’ll never quite reach that carrot. It’ll dangle there merrily forever, and you might be given a small taste now and then, but at the end of the day you’re always just chasing it.

It’s when you’ve had a taste of that carrot, a taste of honey, and then it’s taken away that you miss it most keenly. It’s like the donkey glimpsing another path branching out leading him away from his slavery chasing that carrot, but then it fades …read more.

[579] Nothing but mammals February 20th, 2008 – 11:45am Posted in Bad Things, Thoughts No comments

English stoicism is generally a good thing, sparing us all from the endless outpourings of one another’s woes; the English way is to pull the stiff upper lip and keep it all in and almost without exception this makes all our lives just that little bit easier. Over time this is being eroded and I wonder how far this will go – specifically, whether one day handing in a sick note with the cause of absence as “felt a bit down” will ever be acceptable, and simply saying “I wasn’t quite thinking straight” will be enough to explain away the temporary insanity that depression can induce. Given my admiration for the English way I know it’s quite hypocritical of me to be writing this way but I excuse it with the knowledge of the caveat emptor attached to it all; so indulge me, then, with the question of when our …read more.

[578] The dark times February 20th, 2008 – 12:16am Posted in Bad Things, Thoughts No comments

I was going to write about the depths to which I fall at times like this, but then I thought about what it achieves – nothing – and decided it’s better to just put something vaguely amusing on the computer and try to drag myself out of this rather than extemporate at tiresome lengths about the vagaries of depression. Perhaps something good does come from experience, after all. Suffice to say, the wheels have come off these past few weeks and I can’t even hide it any more, and I’ve completely lost all motivation in life, for everything – for the people I care for, for the interests I try to maintain, for the songs that touch me – all that is left is staring into the middle distance, peace in my ears, no damning words or harsh judgement, a solitary life but if nothing else one that lets me …read more.

[577] Travel February 17th, 2008 – 11:34pm Posted in Bad Things, Thoughts No comments

I can’t write at the moment; it’s one of those phases where typing feels quite intensely boring, and every tap of the keyboard hammers home the repetition of your existence just like those before you. Thousands of thoughts drift through my head as always but articulating them is absolutely impossible. Life after all is a chemical equation. When I’m missing an O or H, things aren’t quite right.

This paragraph should detail my travels of recent times, the jaunts to Cologne and Limerick, but I just don’t really care enough to bother. It doesn’t feel like it matters, and that’s most likely because it doesn’t. I’ve known for a long time the only posts on here should be general discourses on life in the big picture, but I sometimes forget and ramble on about holidays.

Enough of this anyway, g’night.

[576] A dog at the gates February 8th, 2008 – 4:45pm Posted in Bad Things, Thoughts No comments

Every time I drive past the school gates, the black and white collie stands behind the bars caging itself for no reason; endless playing fields drift into the distance but still it chooses to lurk there without explanation as I pass. It’s like a canine form of Stockholm Syndrome, the poor creature apparently finding some solace and comfort in the familiarity of confinement. How many people it must see as they, like me, drive past wondering why the same dog is there every day, in the same position, affording us fleeting glances as we float by. Melancholy seems the only fitting response as I wonder why it leads this life; it’s only an animal, I know, but then so are we. And that’s why the melancholy kicks in, because I see in myself the longing to tread familiar paths, smile with certain people at appointed times, think over comfortable thoughts.