[573] Relativity January 20th, 2008 – 8:40pm Posted in Thoughts No comments

Self-image is based upon a relative set of judgements. Being largely founded upon our perception of how others think of us, it is chiefly the collective opinion of those immediately surrounding us that builds the image in our heads of what we are like as a person.

This explains how good people can fail to see they are good, and bad people can fail to see they are bad.

When a good person’s peers are also good people, he is nothing special. His good nature is just the norm, par for the course. His jokes melt into the never-ending background of humour that encompasses him, his thoughts have been pored over before, his feelings are nothing new. So even when a good person acts kindly, graces the stage with keen humour and thinks beyond superficial aspirations, the collective opinion of his peers tells him that all of this is just normal. I …read more.

[571] KHAN!!! January 15th, 2008 – 2:00am Posted in Bad Things No comments

Sometimes, not very often, I feel anger. It happens so rarely that I often mistake it for something else, but when it persists, I know it’s anger. I’m uncomfortable expressing it, indeed I don’t really know how to, so in times such as this I call upon my good friend Bill Shatner to give me a hand…

…and one thing I’ve learned about my anger? It’s that I only feel it for those who’ve hurt the people I care for; those who’ve hurt me, I feel an apathetic understanding for, but for those I care for that becomes a dull anger inside.

[570] First weekend out of the way January 14th, 2008 – 4:16pm Posted in Events 1 comment

Barring Bill’s funeral last week which I’m classing as an exception to the rule (because drinking felt obligatory at the wake of a man who used to sup 20-odd pints of mild a day while driving his brewery van), I’ve now gone a full week without drinking which I’m inclined to look upon as walking past the first milestone and noticing with surprise how far you’ve come. I’ve another 18 days to go yet so it’s only just begun, but to get that first full weekend out of the way without succumbing to temptation is a big relief. I’m very aware this still sounds very pathetic – perhaps even more so now I’m sounding so ecstatic to have managed a single week – but hey, we all have our own vices we’d struggle to give up, and this is mine.

After Kim’s massive Magners last week, I hit a low point …read more.

[567] Love/hate January 11th, 2008 – 10:45am Posted in Thoughts No comments

What I find curious is how very possible it is to at one moment be entranced by a person while at the very same time harbor rejection of them. That the two can sit side by side is confusing; we’re led to believe these things are clear cut, that they’re either a friend or an enemy, but it doesn’t work like that. My case in point is the authoress of Violent Acres, a very interesting site. When she writes about the expectations of marriage I identify with something I wrote not too long ago about unrealistic expectations, and I love her for it. Yet then she goes and says something misguided about introspection that makes me think she doesn’t quite understand everything as much as I’d thought, and the love fades away into rejection. The most curious part is how we reconcile these two feelings for every …read more.

[565] Third person January 9th, 2008 – 12:08am Posted in Thoughts No comments

Sometimes talking to someone is useful in both directions: you release thoughts to the other person, and they send something back in return. This exchange is a good way for me to order my thoughts, because as I release something it frees up a slot for a bit of juggling in my mind, thoughts are stacked up in a new order and after a little while a properly-formed idea drops off the end of the line and, usually, onto here.

But: to my point, one of those times when discussing a point has cleared up my thoughts on the subject. I wondered a few years ago what it was that had given me the ability to ride out my lows with greater ease every time. Experience? The drugs? Resignation? I think in the end I blamed (or thanked) the drugs for annihilating my ability to feel much of a high or …read more.

[566] No drinking: day one January 8th, 2008 – 11:37am Posted in Events No comments

And so, it begins.

With the exception of Bill’s funeral tomorrow I’m now packing in drinking until February 2nd. This is prompted partly by the money, partly for my health and partly out of curiosity. I did it for a month a few years ago but that was really out of necessity and I was in a much easier environment (living away from everyone at uni). Now, I’m surrounded by alcoholics at home and at work so temptation is never far away; although, the saving grace is that Aaron, Rich and Mark are giving it a shot too which eradicates a big chunk of those seductive moments when someone asks you, “fancy a pint?”

Yesterday was my first day off it and I got through it okay. It was hard watching Kim drink 750ml Magners in front of me (the world’s biggest bottle of cider) while I sipped tea, but I made …read more.