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[177] See you on the other side February 27th, 2005 – 8:14pm Posted in Events No comments

I felt okay today. I’ve started to miss her a lot again, which is much more bearable than the vague fear of seeing her because I was worried how I’d feel. So yeah, thank God, it seems it’s mostly passed. I’ve tried to explain the root of what was hurting me over the last few days – that I found I could still have my mood fucked with so quickly depending on what happened around me – on the latest Ladies entry, but it’s come across as a bit harsh, as if I’m mad at her for being able to do this to me. It’s not her… it’s just the first time I’ve felt like that for a long time, and this happened to be the situation which threw it up. Ah well, eh… things are good again, so let’s not worry.

Decent day at work today: went to a stupidly …read more.

[107] Magnetic screwdrivers February 26th, 2005 – 11:48pm Posted in Good Things No comments

Mankind’s greatest invention.

[179] Do you love me like you used to? February 23rd, 2005 – 9:26pm Posted in Bad Things, Events No comments

Woah, five entries in one day… that must be the record.

I’ve been busy building bridges tonight. With Morrissey. Recently, I’ve been forgetting the songs that made me smile and the songs that made me cry, and it took today’s sorry events to remind me of how much those songs mean to me. So, back here it is for Rubber Ring, Accept Yourself and Well I Wonder.

What else did I do tonight? Oh yeah, just nipped over to Ossy for a bit of lighthearted fun and games with Lois. Was tremendously looking forward to that, and it was just as much fun as I expected. Hmmph, if only… Anyway, she would still like to see me, which I am happy about. When I say happy, you wouldn’t think so from looking at me, because my happiness is just the absence of today’s torment. What a fucking day. Now I see what …read more.

[178] After the storm February 22nd, 2005 – 12:20pm Posted in Bad Things, Events No comments

Ahh, just another manic Tuesday. This has come to be my most begrudged day of the week, because I lose it entirely to work. It’s up at eight, off to work ’til four, then a quick hour as I have tea with Lark and Eiren before I go to college ’til nine. I know I shouldn’t think of my sociology class as work given that I go there entirely of my own free will and for my own benefit, but there’s something about walking into a classroom or lecture hall that makes you think, “I am working and working is bad.” Add in a little shopping on the way home and it’s rarely before eleven that I’ve finished cooking, eating and washing; and then, I sit here and catch up on e-mails and forums and friends, copy a few more DVDs I never have time to watch, and crash out …read more.

[180] The joker February 21st, 2005 – 6:28pm Posted in Bad Things, Events No comments

I don’t know where the cut-off line is, when you should stop making jokes and be serious. I see humour in everything and it goes against the way I am to pass over the chance to point out that humour. Last night, I was talking to Lois, perhaps one of the most serious nights of my recent life, and I found myself making jokes about which other men she’d have to choose from after she’d finished with me. It sounds a cliche, but I really am not used to caring about someone in this way. I am used to being around my friends who I can make jokes like that to without harm being done. I don’t know if it’s good that I do this… I don’t know where the cut-off line is.

[181] The passing of time February 21st, 2005 – 5:29pm Posted in Bad Things, Events No comments

Another hour, another mood… I’m now experiencing fits of intense pain interspersed by enforced moments of cold thought as I come to terms with how I will manage being alone again. I’ve been sick again and have no appetite, so perhaps it would be wise to give the drink a miss tonight. All week, perhaps. Which is more important – that it took something like this to make me realise what she means to me, or that I’ve realised what she means to me?

I thought I felt a moment of optimism there, but I killed it with a bad move: deciding to play Gymnopedie No. 1. (The sad music when Johnny 5 gets smashed up.)

I miss her.

[183] Fuck February 21st, 2005 – 3:32pm Posted in Bad Things, Events No comments

Four days in a row… you can tell I care about something at the moment. Well. Half past three on a Monday afternoon, and I’ve just got out of bed. I went downstairs and was sick, totally at random… I remember John writing a long time ago about how that happened to him. First time it’s happened to me. I’d totally forgotten the details of sadness, you know – selective memory, and all that. I’d forgotten little things like the lethargy – just lieing in bed not moving felt the most natural thing all today, since I woke up at eight and spent the next eight hours slipping in and out of sleep with her on my mind. I’d forgotten the speed at which it hits you – how it’s just a switch in your head that flicks, on and off, totally without regard for you. Like I was saying …read more.

[182] The bad old days February 21st, 2005 – 2:29pm Posted in Bad Things, Events No comments

It’s all come flooding back to me. All the memories I’d thrown to the back of my mind have reared their head. It feels like I’m back in Preston, laid motionless in bed for hours before I step out into the outside world and everything’s too bright and impossible to face. I feel the crushing pressure in my mind again, an invisible weight which you flinch at and just want to grab and throw away, but never can. I feel like I should be constantly doing something, like if I walk over there and look round there’ll be an answer to ease this pain, but when I get there it’s just an empty space. I’m such a cliche… it’s quite embarassing.

[184] You do it to yourself February 20th, 2005 – 4:31pm Posted in Bad Things, Events, People No comments

*puts gun to foot*
*shoots*

Ahh Jesus, what a bastard. I’ve been a total bastard. I can’t fucking believe what I do sometimes. At this very moment, I think I’m feeling the epitome of self-loathing. I imagine serial killers with a hint of decency must feel like this just after the kill, when they realise they’re utterly prey to the base instinct they need to sate and which led them into yet another murder. Myself and Lois went to a house party in Great Harwood last night, for Sapphire’s 16th birthday party – she is my cousin’s step-daughter. It all went swimmingly until the end of the night, when I found myself at the top of the stairs with Sapphire talking about the woes of the world, and what was a compassionate hug one moment turned into a kiss the next and Lois saw it. Jesus fucking Christ, what was I doing. …read more.

[185] Yesterday February 13th, 2005 – 8:32pm Posted in Events No comments

Okay, so I’m not quite so bad today. I hope yesterday was just a one-off. And I wasn’t even that bad yesterday. I just felt pretty useless for a while, which probably hurt more than it should have because I haven’t felt like that for a good while. Even while I felt useless, I was telling myself not to be stupid, because nothing bad at all happened when I met her friends… I mean, I didn’t get hammered and crash into the table handed down the family for five hundred generations, I didn’t put my foot in it asking the orphaned girl if she still lives with her parents, and I didn’t succumb to the urges to stab stab stab around the place. No, it all went okay, but I guess that whole night just reminded me of how I used to be and it wasn’t pleasant. Well, anywho, I …read more.

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