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[43] The urge to be with someone July 26th, 2004 – 10:14pm Posted in Bad Things, Thoughts No comments

When I try to look at things coldly, I see that I should be quite happy with the way things are for me – I can be happy in my own company, and can fit in with my friends when the mood arises, so I should have a happy medium where I’m content. It doesn’t exist, though. There’s this constant nagging feeling that I need someone to be with me, though I can’t work out the reason why. If it wasn’t for this urge, I wouldn’t have half of the problems I do with loneliness and women and keeping on trying to find someone, anyone, when rationally I can’t explain why I am. It’d be nice if that urge faded away and I could drift through life content until the right person came along naturally, rather than me keeping on forcing situations as I am these days, silly situations I …read more.

[206] Limp as a noodle July 26th, 2004 – 12:37pm Posted in Events, Thoughts No comments

I was reading Nabokov’s autiobiography today and even that felt tired. Some clinical part of me recognised the beauty of his prose but it didn’t stroke a smooth hand across me in the way Lolita did from the first moment I began to engage in its beauty. There was a missing gear somewhere along my chain that stopped it touching me. That was a really disappointing feeling. I managed to pick myself up for a few hours this afternoon and wander around town, and ended up in the library to pick up something new to read. I didn’t know Nabokov had written his autobiography. I was really looking for some of his other stories, but the catalogue just lists everything as being on the “General” shelf with a mocking blank space under “Availability”. So, with the autobiography I left. When did the library become so lame? I’ve only just started …read more.

[207] What adds up the way it did when we were young? July 25th, 2004 – 3:39pm Posted in Bad Things, Events No comments

I’m really struggling at the moment. I should be happy because the wedding yesterday was a really nice day. But I woke up this morning and instantly I knew I’d be feeling like this for a while. I just brushed a few bits of white powder off my mouse mat which looked quite like coke and it made me wish so much I had something to numb this feeling because I’m so, so tired of feeling like this and even after all this time I still haven’t found a cure. It just seems to go on, and on, and on, irrespective of what else is happening to me. This story is old, I know, but it goes on… Yesterday was really hard, I had to be civil all day when it was right there in front of me and though I can manage it it’s really pretty nasty having to …read more.

[111] Joan Sims July 23rd, 2004 – 3:46pm Posted in Good Things, Thoughts No comments

“Have you never felt guilty for wanting others to witness your love? Sometimes I wonder whether I more want to be seen as being capable of being loved, than actually having it in itself.”

Those were the only two sentences worthy of salvage from an original entry here of such excruciating wankiness you wouldn’t be surprised to see an East European nation entering it into the Eurovision Song Contest. Written back in the bad old days under the influence of many pints of Boddingtons, a handful of pills and the 1962 version of Lolita playing in the corner of the screen, it exhibits all the characteristics of an entry whose title was chosen purely as an excuse to vent on whichever other subject was really grating. It seems to have been Michelle on my mind at that time, as I turned a harmless eulogy to the motherly beauty of Joan Sims …read more.

[208] Nothing much July 22nd, 2004 – 7:41pm Posted in Events No comments

I’m going through one of those apathetic stages where absolutely nothing inspires me and it’s a struggle to explain to yourself why you’re bothering carrying on. At the moment I have the next few weekends to keep me going – the wedding, moving house and starting work again – but beyond that it feels like an endless sea of weeks and months of drifting along, waiting for life to kick in. It feels a lot like when you lose hold of your mum’s hand when you’re a kid and for a few brief moments you stand alone for a while and you don’t know whether to be scared because there’s no-one with you and you don’t know where to go, or bow to the vague hint that this mysterious world moving around you has so much to offer and excite and you’d be a fool not to grasp it. I …read more.

[209] But not very often July 17th, 2004 – 12:42pm Posted in Events No comments

Back down again already, average night, feeling disappointed with myself for having felt even a brief moment of optimism. Things were a bit stilted, conversation seemed to go in circles now and then, it wasn’t as wonderfully distracting an experience as the first couple of nights. Partly down to the drink, partly, as Peck pointed out, that pubs are much better (and neutral) venues for meeting than her flat. I don’t know whether this night is a normal kind of night to have at this point but it leaves me generally annoyed, irrespective. Reaffirmed what I wrote and thought a while ago about having to know someone for the dating thing to work. The last couple of times I’ve been out with someone, I’ve made a breakthrough, and been able to tell myself that it’s not always me that’s at fault for things not going 100% – other people aren’t …read more.

[45] When company becomes irritating July 15th, 2004 – 4:16pm Posted in Bad Things, Thoughts No comments

Familiarity breeds contempt – absence makes the heart grow fonder. Both very true. As much as I love my friends, there’s such a thing as too much of a good thing and every so often I just sit there with people and have this urge to get the fuck away and just be alone for a while. It works both ways, of course; I’m sure there’ve been loads of times when I’ve been visiting someone and they’ve been thinking, fuck, I wish he’d leave, or I wish he’d leave. This is one of the main problems I’m anticipating may crop up over the next year, as the five of us move in together; much of the time I’m very happy just sat alone reading or watching something, because whenever I’m in company I feel the need to perform and entertain so I can never just relax and be myself. It …read more.

[210] For there are brighter sides to life July 14th, 2004 – 12:43pm Posted in Events No comments

And I should know, because I’ve seen them – but not very often.

Hey, this is supposed to be a jolly entry, I shouldn’t be quoting lyrics like a wanky sixth former. He just slips out naturally though, force of habit. Feeling well chuffed at the moment, on that high you always get after you meet someone. I’m trying to temper it, because it’s equally shitty when the whole thing slows down and fades away, but it’s good to have something to enjoy for once. Amazing how you can amaze yourself with the way you act when it comes to it! I mean, I’ve said on here before how I’m chameleonic in my character, I just instinctively change myself to fit in with who I’m with – but that works in a positive way too, it’s not wholly a negative thing. I’ve been feeling so natural, like, I haven’t felt awkward …read more.

[49] Depressives July 7th, 2004 – 10:49pm Posted in Bad Things No comments

A while ago I was wondering somewhere on here whether the fact that most people I know, know that I go through bad periods and talk about all this shit on here, changes the way they think of me and act around me, even whether they hold back from me and avoid me. I could understand that because there are quite often times when I just can’t face dealing with another depressive, as horrible as that sounds. Sometimes I just want to be with someone who’ll stay happy and not start asking questions of me and just cheer me up. Other depressives annoy me too because, when I listen to them and their problems, nine times out of ten I find that almost all of their problems can be looked at coldly and don’t really seem so bad – which prompts me to feel guilty and begin believing that I’m …read more.

[211] Achievement July 7th, 2004 – 12:43pm Posted in Events, Good Things No comments

Struck a blow in the battle against drink tonight… been a bit ill over the last few days, had no energy to do anything, haven’t even fancied drinking. It was my auntie’s birthday tonight though, so I had a few in town with her – you’ll know, if you’re a drinking person, what it means to have people make an appearance on your birthday. However, this was just a few in town, and when they left to head towards Intack at around ten, I had the conviction to make my exit and just headed back home. My sisters were by theirselves so we shared a curry I had an utterly random impulse to buy on the way home and watched a load of series three Futurama. God, how good it feels to be able to point her in the way of some cool things while she’s still young, as no-one …read more.

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