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[266] Lovely stuff – not my words, the words of Shakin’ Stevens May 25th, 2004 – 7:24pm Posted in Events No comments

Textbook. I got all morbid yesterday writing all that, then ended up having a brilliant night with someone. Always seems to just happen out of the blue like that. Had a really, pretty damn good night, and I still feel good now. The only irritating thing is that I find it so easy to express my disappointment and sadness (see below) but it’s always a struggle to find adequate words for my happiness and pleasure. Goddamn. Ah, well, not to worry. I don’t want to write too much here as I’ll only inevitably end up twisting things pessimistically in the end, which would be silly given how good this feels at the moment.

[264] I don’t have much in my life, but take it, it’s yours May 23rd, 2004 – 2:22pm Posted in Events No comments

What’ve I been up to recently? Ambling along, wondering what to do with myself. Loneliness is still driving me bonkers, but not in a harmful way; I think about it quite a lot, but that’s all, just moments of thought before the next distraction comes along. It feels like a problem before me which I have to discover how to overcome, rather than an enemy aggresively challenging me. I suppose that’s accurate, as I could easily go on through life alone without ever being brought to task for it. Why is loneliness a problem? I have heard quite a few people going through an earlier stage of the problem, when you are trying to convince yourself that you can be happy alone and the desire to be with someone is just a weakness. Sadly time passes and you discover that is just a fantasy. Loneliness is a problem because like …read more.

[262] Back from Fenny Bentley May 21st, 2004 – 7:18pm Posted in Events No comments

Been back from my weekend away at the beer festival near Derby for an hour or two. Delayed reaction hangover struck at approximately thirteen hundred hours, but mercifully passed in a matter of days. Essentially drank for four days, felt absolutely wonderful for nine tenths of that time and hopelessly lost for one tenth. If you imagine my weekend as the blink of an eye, I was able to see clearly for almost all of the time excepting a brief moment of utter darkness which renders your senses useless. The cause of that brings me back to that last marvellous entry, which was a late-night attempt to deal with frustration, one which failed. Frustration is the most apt word for all of this. It’s typically comically tragic that the first time I feel able and capable in and of myself to step forward and get involved, it’s dancing around me …read more.

[263] Loud loutish lover… etc. May 20th, 2004 – 7:21pm Posted in Events No comments

I woke up feeling quite morose and realised that when you actually come to it, it’s really quite hard to find many grim Smiths tracks. I got as far as That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore, which I woke up thinking of, but after that I struggled to find anything that sounded equally bleak. There’s always a touch of optimism in Johnny Marr’s music, no matter the lyrics.

Bizaarely, ended up in Jumpin’ Jacks last night sniffing poppers on the dancefloor with a random friend of the people I was with. That was an eye-opener. It’s a very brief high; a bit floaty, a little swirly but still quite exciting. So that’s another in the long list of drugs I’ve worked my way through. Don’t think I’ll particularly go out of my way to try that one again – the feeling’s a bit too short-lived to be worthwhile, really. I wonder what …read more.

[50] Two parts to every person May 16th, 2004 – 9:31pm Posted in Bad Things, Thoughts No comments

The most productive thing to come out of my writing these pages for the last five years is that I’ve learned that everyone is made up of two people. Finding words to describe these two people is difficult – you could call it the conscious and the subconscious, or the public and private you, or your self and your other self, or as John puts it, the Other Me. Irrespective of how you word it, the idea is that all people are much more three-dimensional than they ever appear. In books, in films and in life, you look at the people around you and you can only judge them on the one dimension they can show you. It appears to you as if everyone else is constructed solidly and simply and have a purpose and role in life, which you are alone in not finding. The reality is that we’re …read more.

[261] [deleted] May 15th, 2004 – 7:17pm Posted in Events No comments

I had to kinda delete this bit the morning after, because it was silly and unfair. It’s a shame because parts of it were quite eloquent, but it was just banging on about the usual old misery so nothing new missed, really.

[260] …I’ll tell you the story of my life May 15th, 2004 – 7:16pm Posted in Daft, Events No comments

Still lamenting the loss of the classic Napier tables.

Pub table must conform to :

a/ one rickety leg – beer mat to stop it rocking
b/ containing an interesting doodle/joke
c/ not be sticky
d/ heavily varnished
e/ cigarette burns on
f/ stain origin unknown – maybe blood
g/ glass ashtray, not naff plastic
h/ chewing gum stuck under table – old and hard NOT fresh
i/ beermats with one side ripped off and torn to pieces in the ashtray
j/ must seat at least 6 comfortably – 8 at a squeeze
k/ sofa must be on at least 1 side
l/ perfect height for leaning one arm on
m/ light source must not be near table (except for closing)
n/ interesting metalwork supporting table to provide handy footrests
o/ TV must be within viewing distance
p/ bar must be no more than 5 steps away
q/ entrance of pub must be seen
r/ must not be facing windows during excessively bright sunshine
s/ ladies lavatory must be close …read more.

[258] And if you have five seconds to spare… May 13th, 2004 – 3:13pm Posted in Events No comments

I’m wondering whether adding the ellipsis to the end of a nice line makes it sound much more pretentious and journal-ly, or if it leads nicely off and conjures up the rest of the song? I dunno.

Here’s a magic picture for you… (randomly found this on my computer while fixing it last weekend)

Fantastic Faceparty Lady has another one up too, but I’ll save that for another occasion.

Last week in Preston… haaa, leeee, luuuu, jahhhh, hallelujah!, hallelujah!, as Shaun Ryder said. Pissing away my days at the moment, until Last Day (kinda) next Wednesday when I can get out of this distant branch of Hades Inc. once and for all. Still not sure exactly where I’ll be going immediately after that, but hey, no point worrying about it. These things always sort theirselves out; time passes quickly and before you know it it’s time to start …read more.

[46] Walking round a car pulling out May 12th, 2004 – 12:57pm Posted in Bad Things No comments

There’s a car at a T-junction waiting to pull out, so you start walking round the back of it to get past. Then, the car pulls out and you’re left there walking in a curve around nothing. Bloody infuriating, not only because it happens so often, but because it happens so often because you keep on doing it and never learn to just wait, or walk in a straight line in the first place. It’s a bit like how you’re always worried that you’ll miss the start of a film when you’re five minutes late into the cinema, even though for the last twenty years you’ve turned up on time and sat wondering why you don’t just come in fifteen minutes late and skip all the adverts. You never learn.

[257] …and I just couldn’t ask May 10th, 2004 – 7:13pm Posted in Events No comments

Wooo, it’s my birthday. Quietest one I’ve ever had, but hey. Seems to be true that they begin to blur together after twenty one… ah well. Last night was pretty awful, taken over by my dad being down and choosing that night to put into practise his plan of seeing what actually happens when he shuts up, as people are apparently always telling him to do. Cue two hours of myself and the mother struggling to talk around him as he sits there mute, just the three of us. Of course, like any depressive, the need for attention comes out in the end; cue the last two hours of my birthday spent listening to the world’s woes, discussing suicide (quite sad that the only thing I said all night which visibly perked him up was the mention that I suffer too and have given it more than passing thought on …read more.

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