[256] Judy is a dick slap March 30th, 2004 – 7:10pm Posted in Events No comments

All that dump I wrote earlier has been stewing there for a couple of days now without being put up online, as it’s a real pain in the ass getting stuff up without net access at home. I’ve only thought about it once or twice but I got really paranoid that all that stuff I admitted about myself is just going to hurt me in the end; I really can’t tell whether someone reading it would find it endearing or appalling. And equally I can’t decide whether I should be censoring myself to only present the wonderful side of myself. (But then, I guess these pages would become quite brief quite quickly.) Aaaaargh. The reason I’m worrying about all this, suddenly, after five years of rambling away without a thought for the consequences, is that my romantic life has exploded over the last couple of months and it’s made me …read more.

[61] Saying “just cheer up” March 29th, 2004 – 9:16pm Posted in Bad Things, Thoughts No comments

I can respect a lot of opinions on the subject of clinical sadness (boo-hoo) – after all, we all go through it at some time in our own ways – but people seriously saying, “just cheer up”, beats me. It just shows a lack of awareness of how powerful those feelings are. I think it was Dan, a few years ago, who asked whether people would treat him differently if he had a broken leg or something. Would your team mates just tell you to get back up and carry on playing? The principle is the same… I guess in a way, it’s an injury that takes time to heal. When you’re right down there, it’s all-consuming and you can’t see any way out beyond seeing it through, waiting for the wounds to heal. Somebody telling you to look on the bright side of life is talking to a brick …read more.

[275] Eye of the beholder March 26th, 2004 – 7:33pm Posted in Events No comments

If someone asked me to sum up my idea of beauty in one picture, I think this would be it:

Wow.

There was another argument about drugs the other night, which made me think a little. Some of the stuff that was said was, in hindsight, fair. Without realising they have become a bit of a habit. Not routine, or regular, but after a few drinks the feeling kicks in and they suddenly seem such a great idea. I wrote and deleted some stuff last time round about how my attitude towards them has relaxed, and I stand by that. At the same time, I don’t like the feeling that I’m weak enough to go off on a mad mish every Friday night to score something, anything, just for the hell of it. Maybe in future I’ll try to control those urges a little more. The …read more.

[48] Feet March 16th, 2004 – 4:24pm Posted in Bad Things, Daft No comments

Is this the first entry about body parts? Irrespective (God, I’m impressed I can spell that at 00.34 after eight pints of mixed)… no, my point has gone. I guess eight pints of mixed have some effect after all. Bah…

[277] So many thoughts March 14th, 2004 – 7:35pm Posted in Events No comments

I’ve had so many thoughts over the last few days, it’s insane. I don’t know where to begin, and that’s after I’ve forgotten half of them. Had at least two tonight that have gone, but hey. Go back a couple of years and nearly all of the stuff on this page was drunk shit, but since then it’s been nearly all sober (since I’ve been in Preston). Well, tonight is a step back in time ladies and gentlemen, for tonight I am right royally fucked.

Okay, the main thing I did tonight was brilliant for me; I had some willpower and stopped messing around with a girl who is way too young for me before it went anywhere silly. Maybe some people think it’s okay to go for sex etc. with young girls, but thank bejaysus common sense prevailed and I put an end to that whole thing before it even …read more.

[278] Reflecting on events March 12th, 2004 – 7:36pm Posted in Events, Thoughts No comments

Been a very, very topsy-turvy weekend. Spent a while thinking about it but it’s hard to make sense of everything that’s happened. Maybe, as usual, things will come to me as I sit here typing and working through things. Well, where to begin? At essence I guess it was just another bog-standard drug-fuelled weekend back in the hood, and everything that I’m left to think over has spawned from that fact.

I think I promised myself a while ago that I’d stop promising myself I wouldn’t keep going back to Blackburn every Friday night. I really should stop saying I will, because it’s never going to happen. Anyway, I went back and bumped into Sarah at the station. Major disaster… she’d just got her job as a tour rep so she’ll be moving away and out of the country for half the year! Chalfonts. My mood sank for a couple of …read more.

[279] A thought I managed to keep hold of March 10th, 2004 – 7:37pm Posted in Events No comments

I’ve managed to stay okay recently; the days haven’t been dragging. “Managed”? What am I on about… it makes it sound like I’ve done something to make it happen… tis purely chance, unfortunately. It’s always a sign, anyway; when I’m okay, time flies. When I’m okay, I can look at things objectively, and think about them, and fill these pages with psycho-babble trying to understand what’s going on. I can write dull trivial shit that belongs on a LiveJournal like that dross in the last entry, and there seems to be a reason for it. When I’m not okay, everything becomes a mess and writing on here makes me ashamed and feel like one of the umpteen million other irrationally unhappy people out there. Normal day-to-day things which fill my time exist solely to spite me and rub in the reminders of how mundane life has become. Why am I …read more.

[113] The lady-voice in Cars & Girls March 9th, 2004 – 2:53pm Posted in Good Things, Memories No comments

Okay, three days later, and I’m in a happier mood now, so we should see a welcome return to flippancy here. Cars & Girls is a song by Prefab Sprout. It ended up on my computer somehow and for the last week it’s been played daily because of the beauty of the little echoey female voice. Even after listening over and over, I’m sorry to say I can’t put into words exactly what it is about that brief moment that makes me so happy… but at a best attempt, it’s just the soft vulnerability of femininity which you rarely see these days. Have a listen, you might feel the same way.

[115] La Valse D’Amelie [piano version] March 6th, 2004 – 9:55pm Posted in Good Things No comments

It’s just really nice to listen to, and has one of those moments of change of pace and volume that I like a lot. You’ll know this anyway if you’re one of the eight million people whose favourite film is Amelie.