[282] Quite confused January 28th, 2004 – 7:39pm Posted in Events No comments

It’s very hard to know what to say. I’m watching The Cider House Rules and wondering what the fuck they’ve done to it, but that’s getting off topic. After this weekend, and some things that have been said since, I’ve realised I need to do something now to help myself, or I’ll just wallow in self-pity for the next six months. This begins with knocking the drinking on the head for a couple of weeks, because it doesn’t help. At all. Drinking alone is suicide, I don’t know why I don’t stick to the promise I made myself to never do it again… boredom, sometimes, I guess. Think I’ll go back on the St. John’s Shit again, for a month or two at least, because it worked last year. Might have been entirely a placebo, who knows, but it’s the end result that counts. I’m giving Blackburn a miss for …read more.

[58] Seeing other people in the same situation January 27th, 2004 – 8:05pm Posted in Bad Things, Thoughts No comments

The futility of all this writing really hits home when I see other people in the same sorry situation, who can’t find the way out either… makes me tired, drains energy out of me so fast I last as long as a vibrator at a lesbian convention. I wonder how many people I will know in my life who fit that description. (Of tiredness, not vibrators.) Seems a bit like a giant jigsaw puzzle, all these people floating round who could probably fit together if they pushed a little, but they all have their own reasons for fearing making that push. Probably the fear of the unknown, a fear of unknown pleasures. Hey, I’m getting good at slipping these music references in… I’ll have to work on getting more obscure now. A fear, too, that losing all these dark feelings by finding someone will somehow make you less of a …read more.

[283] Since then January 21st, 2004 – 7:39pm Posted in Events No comments

It’s been another bad couple of weeks. I think I’m really on a downer now. That sounds so noncy and false, but that’s the only way I can think to put it. I suddenly realise that I am awful and can’t stop thinking it for months. When I go out it’s very easy to hide; I don’t want to talk about it or acknowledge it at all. But it hits me when I’m alone and lonely, and it hits pretty hard. It’s not nice at all.

I don’t really feel like talking now, really. I don’t know why I started actually, it’s daft. But hey… the drugs help quite a bit, which is what they’re there for. I don’t do them for no reason; they do help. Maybe that’s not easy to understand if you don’t do them yourself, but the reason is there, I’m not a complete fuckass.

What’s a fuckass?

[59] Genetics January 19th, 2004 – 8:06pm Posted in Bad Things No comments

Not a discourse into the subject of DNA, but that of inherited characteristics. I’m getting so scared by my dad and what he’s like these days, and the knowledge all of that is in my blood. As ever I can look at it like a sensible adult and tell myself it’s utterly pointless even thinking about it because there’s utterly nothing I can do about it, but that doesn’t help in the moments when it all takes over and these kind of things are all you can see. There seems something wrong in having to say to your own father the sympathetic things you’re really wanting him to say to you. A bit like a father outliving his son, it just shouldn’t happen… it’s the wrong way round. Reminds me of how as you get older you realise how mortal your parents are and not quite as infallible as you …read more.

[60] The bit of yoghurt on yoghurt pot lids January 13th, 2004 – 11:49pm Posted in Bad Things, Daft No comments

Never understood why people take particular delight in licking off the congealed yoghurt on the pot lid. It’s all hard and un-yoghurty. It’s like slicing off the hard bits of cheese that have been exposed to air, and glorying in taking a good hard bite. Or purposefully pouring that foul creamy-coloured cream at the top of pints of milk into a cup of coffee. Or eating the salad from the bottom of the bowl that’s dripping in vinegarette, chewing bread sticks even when they’re soggy (soggy bread – oh my God), eating undercooked oven chips or Steven putting fucking vinegar on everything. You people are just wrong.

[117] Fantastic Faceparty Lady January 13th, 2004 – 4:56pm Posted in Good Things, People No comments

I seem to remember promising another picture recently. So, then, here we go with #4…

[62] Paranoia January 8th, 2004 – 4:18pm Posted in Bad Things No comments

I’m not at all a proper paranoid, and apart from the few things about myself I talk about on here, I don’t worry about anything at all. There remain, though, a few things which I am paranoid about.

Everybody I talk to online who I have never physically seen in the flesh is in fact one person I do know who has taken it upon themselves to create all these false personas to see what I say to different people, the ultimate aim being to wait until I contradict myself and then ridicule me. I will never ever find out whether this is the case.
Paranoia rating: 8/10
Everybody I know in real life thinks something totally different of me than they show and are just tolerating me for their own unknown ends.
Paranoia rating: 5/10
There are constantly small insects crawling on the ceiling above me which are dropping down and crawling over my …read more.

[120] Wiggy’s “My Friends’ Profiles…” section on Faceparty January 6th, 2004 – 5:04pm Posted in Good Things, People No comments

Ah, Faceparty. Good old Faceparty. The lonely geek’s refuge when you have a night home alone with absolutely nothing better to do with your life. Also Wiggy’s favourite place on the planet, I imagine. I think we all understand the voyeuristic pleasure of reading another person’s diary, of knowing a person without ever knowing them; Faceparty fulfills that desire. More whimsically, however, I bring your attention to Wiggy5’s Faceparty page, a bus stop on the internet’s route 69 halfway twixt the buldog.com of eye-opening pornographic practices and the livejournal.com of falling in love with someone you’ll always be too scared to meet. I highlight Wig’s page in particular because he always has a nice selection of links on there to kick off an hour or two’s aimless browsing. Maybe, while on the subject, now’s the time for an update from my favourite fp lady of all time ever… (she’s …read more.

[284] Christmas and New Year January 5th, 2004 – 7:40pm Posted in Events No comments

I had quite a drunken holiday really. There wasn’t much else to do, and the temptation is always there. I got the usual restlesness at about 6.30 every night and found myself jumping in the shower. It meant I drank too much and was too drunk for most of the two weeks I was back, but hey, nothing I can do about that now. I did some really bad shit over this last two weeks, I’m not proud of myself at all. I’m also worried that I’m losing control over my drinking because I increasingly feel the compulsion to get fucked all the time and once I start I have this amazing pull to carry on and I can’t stop. Four or five times this holiday, it ended with me doing something idiotic, silly or nasty that I wouldn’t even think of doing while sober. I have a half-memory of …read more.